Blogalicious

So, randomly today I remembered that I used to have a blog. I think when I had the baby, and left the cubicle job, time for writing went out the window. I've had some time since then, mostly at work - in the new cubicle - and late at night after I have put the two year old to bed. But I forgot about blogging.

I've read a lot of Paulo Coehlo. He's one of my favortie writers/ philosophers.

Being a mother notwithstanding, I have been standing in place, possibly circling a drain for sometime now. 3-4 years, I guess.
But I don't want to be a victim of waiting anymore. I guess what I've realized is, that you just have to do it. Fuck consequences. If I worry about all the potential consequnces of every decision I think about making, I can go off into infinity. And the decision never gets made. I have a lot of nice possibilities. But no real opportunities. No action. No change. Waiting for conditions to be right, to have more money, a job offer......something.

I've always thought it would be bad ass to be a backcountry rescue ranger. I've wanted to get my wilderness emt certification. Money or time or babies have always gotten in the way.
Driving to work two weeks ago I saw a banner in front of the local po-dunk fire station. "Volunteers Needed. Training Classes Starting Soon"
I visited the website. The class started on Tuesday, the day after labor day. It was the Friday before. There was no one in the fire office til Tuesday morning. I wasn't an official volunteer yet, so I forced myself to stop by a rescue station on the way to town Friday afternoon and pick up a volunteer packet. Paperwork, release forms, three reference forms. These would never be done by Tuesday.
I went back and forth about it a lot. I could probably work my job schedule around the class, but maybe not. I could probably do all the work and make most of the classes and pass, but maybe not. What if I decided to move. Or the class was full. Or I couldnt take it because I wasnt a volunteer yet.
No one was in the admin office all weekend to ask questions of and Monday was Labor Day. So Tuesday at 7:30am I was up waiting for the clock to strike 8am so I could call and ask if I could register for the class. No one answered the phone until 8:15, the class started at 9am and I had to drive Noah 45 minutes to daycare and then 30 minutes back to the class building. Finally, I got the secretary, she said the class had lots of room, but would cost $150 if I wasnt a volunteer.
Thats hella cheap. The community college charges $800+ and that doesnt cover books, the exam fee, or CPR training. So I got Noah up, dressed, and in the car in record time. I was still 25 minutes late to class, but I didn't even have time to think about or worry about all the details or schedule over the 4 months class. I just went and walked in the door.

And it was great. I've only had two classes so far, but I think they will be a BREEZE. And I have been able to arrange my schedule around the class, with a little extra day care here and there. And it felt sooooooo good to have made a step in a direction. Any direction. I was on a high all day because I actually did something, other than subsist and be generally dissatisfied.
I guess the moral of the story is ....there's nothing to it but to do it. If you want to do something, dont worry about details, costs, consequences. Go do it. Take step one, then two then three. If problems and consequences arise, I know I can totally deal with them when and if they get here. But they're not here yet. So lets do it.

I've spent so much time the past few months aimlessly searching the internet for that "magical" opportunity that will fix things, that will make a change in my life. An apt I can afford on my own, a new job, a graduate program, an internship, scholarship...anything. And for once I got home that night and didn't feel like I needed to.

Add to that that I'd decided to quit my office/ managing job that is starting to suck at my soul, for a better paying waitressing job, move out of my Mom's house to an apt near my boyfriend, go to the park, eat organic food, bike ride and in general develop a good routine for my son and I on our own terms. Get to have my boyfriend over whenever I want, let our relationship grow etc etc. In fact, we'd even been talking about saving up some money, maybe moving in together, then moving to the west coast. Naturally getting awesome jobs doing something outdoors related and climbing, hiking and paddling to our hearts content in the beautiful pacific northwest.
And although, on my realistic side I realized it was a nice idea that would be hard to implement and maybe happen, maybe not - it didnt take any time at all for my damned feminine mind to project images of us at Pike Place Market buying fresh seafood for dinner.... my son on his shoulders. Walking the dog in the park on a sunny day. Summiting Rainier. Biking to work, teaching Noah to ride a bike......



The fact is I am over the 25 mark. 27. 30 is staring me in the face. I never worried about age before. But now I feel crunched. If I want to go back to school, I should do it soon. If I want to have more kids, I better settle down here soon and Accomplish all my other life goals and dreams in the next couple years so Noah can have some siblings that are even remotely close to him in age. That means if I want to learn ice climbing, mountaineering or backpack a 2 week or longer trail, I need to do it in the next two years. Plan ahead now. Pre-destine my 12 days off a year. Hope I can get 12 days off a year. Hope I have enough money to do the things I want to do, even if I have enough time. Get a real job, a career. The mystical one that I will love and want to do and feel fulfilled by. Where did all the time and possibility go? why do I not have more done by my age? What was I doing with my youth?
What am I doing with my now?