I've been feeling really down lately. No lie. I blame facebook. I have to admit that I'm a little bit tired of reading about/ seeing pictures of other people's happy nuptuals, house-buying announcements, graduation announcements, trip photos. Especially the weddings. So many of them this year. It's not that I want desperately to be married or anything, its more the idea that these people are so happy, and that they have their shit together. They're living life, doing the things they want, with the person they want. I feel behind.
For some reason it was the photos of a friend of an old x's wedding that really got to me. This guy ended up doing a graduate program in the dept where I got my undergrad. Facebook helpfully popped up the photos in my stream. I didnt realize it, of course, why would I, but he totally married this girl who was my TA for a class, and later I think we took a class together. I always thought she was super nice. I really am happy for them. They are both awesome people. They look really happy.
I guess its just that I don't want to be waiting anymore, for my life. I don't want to waste any more time just getting by, or doing something I don't want to do or hate, in the hopes that "someday" I will be able to do something that makes me happy, that I want to pursue. I guess that's why I am having so much trouble trying to figure out this job offer. Do I want to take it and hope that the next two years are ok? and somewhere I want to be? and get me towards something better? Or do I suck it up, pick up another service job, save up some money, move out west and hope for the best? Or try to go to grad school, work full time and be a single mom? And hope I can get a good job at the end of it. I suppose be fore great happiness comes great sacrifice. Or a leap of faith. I dont know.
I realize there are no guarantees in life. But lately it seems like I am damned either way. Like there's no way out. Like my life potential has already been had and squandered and ended. As it is now, living at home in a high stress environment with my certifiably crazy family members, and making no money at a job I am burned out on - sucks. I can't continue this way. I'll wither away. But at least if I get invited to a party, or want to go camping or climbing for a night - I have help. My Mom and sister, and even occassionally ex (one more reason to leave Richmond), can watch Noah and I can go out and do things. If I move somewhere new, I'll have no one. Especially if I don't move to the west coast, since my boyfriend wants to move there and wants me to as well. He won't stay here. I understand. I dont want to either.
Taking this new job means more money and independence. My own place, less stress, my own routine for Noah and I (yay!). It may even mean a new city (yay!, or boo). And no free time. And no one I trust to watch my son for an extended period. And no friends (I'll make some eventually). And no significant other.
Moving to the west coast with the significant other. Sounds awesome. I can really move towards the lifestyle I want to live, be healthier and more active. Have a chance at happiness... And have no one to watch Noah if we want a night out. No chance to go rock climbing or camping for a weekend anywhere hard or un-kid-friendly. But I can live vicariously through my boyfriend while he does. And no current job prospects. And then the relationship might not work out.
When I discussed these feelings with my boyfriend - the depression and damned either way feelings - "Yeah, but these are the choices you made." He responds. "Don't make decisions based on me". "I want to help you, but you'll be so much happier and stronger if you do it on your own." It's true. But I get upset anyway. I tell him that I dont need a lecture from him. I really don't. I know all of these things. I already feel like a failure almost every day. I tell him that despite my apparent cold, hard, alabaster exterior - I am actually a person and even I occassionally need a soft, encouraging word.
There are just too many things I want to be and do in life. Including being an awesome mother who gets to spend time with her son. And there's not enough time or money to do them all simultaneously. Or maybe even at all. But I don't want to give up. I can't just stop wanting and enjoying the things I want to do and enjoy. I don't want to feel bad, and lesser and left behind anymore.
Today in my EMT class we talked about HazMat. The instructor told a story about a police officer who pulled over an uncovered dump truck that was leaking something out of the back. All the officer did was climb up the back of the truck, peek in , and jump down. 30 minutes later he was in critical conditi0n in the ER. He never fully recovered. He had to leave the force. It ruined his life. He was essentially house-ridden for the rest of his life.
Sitting there, I realize, as I suppose I already knew, that I am not disabled. I have every ability and faculty and potential to reccomend me. There is no physical or mental disability preventing me from doing anything, really. And dammit, even if its hard and it sucks and it turns out badly, at least I can be out there experiencing life. I don't have to give up and shut in and work in a cubicle for 30 years to see my son on the weekends and send him to college so he can do the same. I won't give up. At least I am going to try. And I'll be experiencing things and living. I don't know if this helps me any with making the hard decisions coming up soon, but at least I can feel a little hopeful.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish there was someone out there who could tell me what to do. Who could see how it would turn out. Who could hook me up.
For some reason it was the photos of a friend of an old x's wedding that really got to me. This guy ended up doing a graduate program in the dept where I got my undergrad. Facebook helpfully popped up the photos in my stream. I didnt realize it, of course, why would I, but he totally married this girl who was my TA for a class, and later I think we took a class together. I always thought she was super nice. I really am happy for them. They are both awesome people. They look really happy.
I guess its just that I don't want to be waiting anymore, for my life. I don't want to waste any more time just getting by, or doing something I don't want to do or hate, in the hopes that "someday" I will be able to do something that makes me happy, that I want to pursue. I guess that's why I am having so much trouble trying to figure out this job offer. Do I want to take it and hope that the next two years are ok? and somewhere I want to be? and get me towards something better? Or do I suck it up, pick up another service job, save up some money, move out west and hope for the best? Or try to go to grad school, work full time and be a single mom? And hope I can get a good job at the end of it. I suppose be fore great happiness comes great sacrifice. Or a leap of faith. I dont know.
I realize there are no guarantees in life. But lately it seems like I am damned either way. Like there's no way out. Like my life potential has already been had and squandered and ended. As it is now, living at home in a high stress environment with my certifiably crazy family members, and making no money at a job I am burned out on - sucks. I can't continue this way. I'll wither away. But at least if I get invited to a party, or want to go camping or climbing for a night - I have help. My Mom and sister, and even occassionally ex (one more reason to leave Richmond), can watch Noah and I can go out and do things. If I move somewhere new, I'll have no one. Especially if I don't move to the west coast, since my boyfriend wants to move there and wants me to as well. He won't stay here. I understand. I dont want to either.
Taking this new job means more money and independence. My own place, less stress, my own routine for Noah and I (yay!). It may even mean a new city (yay!, or boo). And no free time. And no one I trust to watch my son for an extended period. And no friends (I'll make some eventually). And no significant other.
Moving to the west coast with the significant other. Sounds awesome. I can really move towards the lifestyle I want to live, be healthier and more active. Have a chance at happiness... And have no one to watch Noah if we want a night out. No chance to go rock climbing or camping for a weekend anywhere hard or un-kid-friendly. But I can live vicariously through my boyfriend while he does. And no current job prospects. And then the relationship might not work out.
When I discussed these feelings with my boyfriend - the depression and damned either way feelings - "Yeah, but these are the choices you made." He responds. "Don't make decisions based on me". "I want to help you, but you'll be so much happier and stronger if you do it on your own." It's true. But I get upset anyway. I tell him that I dont need a lecture from him. I really don't. I know all of these things. I already feel like a failure almost every day. I tell him that despite my apparent cold, hard, alabaster exterior - I am actually a person and even I occassionally need a soft, encouraging word.
There are just too many things I want to be and do in life. Including being an awesome mother who gets to spend time with her son. And there's not enough time or money to do them all simultaneously. Or maybe even at all. But I don't want to give up. I can't just stop wanting and enjoying the things I want to do and enjoy. I don't want to feel bad, and lesser and left behind anymore.
Today in my EMT class we talked about HazMat. The instructor told a story about a police officer who pulled over an uncovered dump truck that was leaking something out of the back. All the officer did was climb up the back of the truck, peek in , and jump down. 30 minutes later he was in critical conditi0n in the ER. He never fully recovered. He had to leave the force. It ruined his life. He was essentially house-ridden for the rest of his life.
Sitting there, I realize, as I suppose I already knew, that I am not disabled. I have every ability and faculty and potential to reccomend me. There is no physical or mental disability preventing me from doing anything, really. And dammit, even if its hard and it sucks and it turns out badly, at least I can be out there experiencing life. I don't have to give up and shut in and work in a cubicle for 30 years to see my son on the weekends and send him to college so he can do the same. I won't give up. At least I am going to try. And I'll be experiencing things and living. I don't know if this helps me any with making the hard decisions coming up soon, but at least I can feel a little hopeful.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish there was someone out there who could tell me what to do. Who could see how it would turn out. Who could hook me up.
1 comment:
i'm out there, and i'll tell you what to do. just take a risk. over two years ago, i moved out to seattle with a suitcase and my guitar. i did it for a girl. when things didn't work out with the girl, i was disappointed, but i got over it (ok, maybe i'm still getting over it). and now i'm looking to leave a secure job with full benefits to do something else, anything else. because i don't want to be an old man with no stories, one who spent most of his time wondering what could have been, rather than just going for it.
so whatever it is you think you want most, just go for it. we're not getting any younger.
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